Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Football fight after Local Derby

About 20 people were found fighting in Brook Street Ilkley by police at the weekend.

Police in Ilkley dealt with a series of fights between football fans and players.
Officers were called to several incidents in Ilkley after Wheatley's 4-0 victory over Ilkley Dynamos at East Holmes Field on Sunday 15th March 2009.

In one incident about 20 people were fighting outside Yorkshire Bank. Two men, a Wheatley player and one Dynamo player, were arrested during the trouble.
Police said they had received no intelligence to indicate that violence had been planned.

Police said they received a number of 999 calls at about 1405 GMT informing them that a large fight involving players & supporters was ongoing in the town centre. Officers attended the scene and the group dispersed.

Football-related fights then broke out at various locations within Ilkley, the force said, and more officers from North Yorkshire were sent in to the town to assist local police.

The arrested Dynamo player was charged with a public order offence. The 38-year-old Wheatley player was arrested on suspicion of causing an affray and released on police bail until 15 April. A Police spokesperson added the arrested Wheatley Player Chris Quaife was basically too old, had no intelligence and could not hold his drink.

There were no reports of any major injuries.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Ilkley Dynamo 0-4 The Mighty Wheatley

In front of a fifty-plus crowd at Eastholme Field Wheatley AFC overpowered Ilkley Dynamos to bag the bragging rights after a 4-0 demolition.

Man of the Match Nick Cockcroft claimed his first hat-trick in a match that delighted manager Mark Powell. Defender Andy Hibbert rounded off an impressive individual performance when volleying home in the 80th minute to complete the rout.

Denton Road witnessed a Wheatley victory last time around, and history repeated itself with a dominating performance. Striker Cockcroft , celebrating his 27th birthday, couldn’t have been happier as he slid home after good work from Andy Wheeler on 15 minutes. Moments later Hibbert came close with a header that left spectators in agony.

Dynamos were frail and Wheatley smelled blood. Al Hey’s trickery produced a chance for Wheeler but he could not test the keeper. As tame as the shot was, Wheatley confidence was high. Chris Quaife, also celebrating his birthday (38) put in several crunching tackles and was guilty of rugby-tackling the Dynamos keeper. Wheatley keeper Kroon had a quiet day but marshalled his back four well.

Danny Bott worked hard all game. The youngster curled in a great cross which was flicked on by Cockcroft, landing at Rick Arundel’s feet. The Wheatley strikers shot was hit with venom but was easily parried away.
On the half-hour mark Wheatley were 2-0 up, courtesy of a second Cockcroft strike, this time left-footed. Sweetly struck, the striker reeled away in ecstasy.

The second half brought more Wheatley glory. Jon Keith replaced Al Hey and worked hard in midfield. Quaife then pumped a superb long pass down the centre to Cockcroft whose pass was intercepted.

An Arundel volley verged on folly, the ball soaring 20 yards over the bar.

It was all Wheatley now and Cockcroft scored his hat-trick with a simple tap-in sending team-mate Turnbull over the edge. His shirt came off in celebration resulting in the games only yellow card!
Hat-trick hero Cockcroft came off to a standing ovation and Ben Woods replaced to ruffle more Dynamo feathers.

3-0 to the good and The Wheatley could do no wrong. A Hibbert header was agonisingly close but the star defender latched on to a pass from Wheeler to slot home the fourth and round off the games most impressive move.

Wheatley thoroughly deserved their victory. The Dynamos were subdued but knew they’d been beaten fair and square.

Special mention must go to the ref who had an excellent game.

Jo Lager Varley


4-0 To The Wheatley Boys!!!

The Mighty Wheatley humbled bitter rivals Dynamo 4-0 in their own backyard... beautiful!

Birthday Boy Cockcroft scored a hat-trick and Hibbert completed the rout finishing off the best move of the season!

Match report to follow...

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Clash of the Titans


A.C vs. Inter? Pah! Liverpool vs. Everton? Do me a favour!

The only derby match worth getting excited about this season is of course the mighty Wheatley AFC vs. Ilkley Dynamos this Sunday!

If there is a gridlock in Ilkley town this weekend it will be the result of a frenzy of supporters gearing up for the mighty clash.
Mark Powell’s men are playing with confidence and are looking forward to a rousing match with their Wharfedale rivals. If the pitch permits flowing play then we’ll be in for a humdinger of a match!

Both camps will undoubtedly have a sleepless Saturday night, brains fizzing in anticipation of the cacophony of local support and the subsequent thrill of bragging rights in the bustling Ilkley pubs.
An inspired victory is enough encouragement for most teams, but this fixture has the added incentive of scooping local pride as first prize. Word on the football grapevine is that John Motson had taken his sheepskin coat to the dry cleaners in preparation for the event, although he had to back-out of the morning’s reporting to attend a professional match. A fair enough excuse, one might think, although Motty’s loss is The Ilkley Gazette’s gain!

It is a time for heroes. A time for composure, daring and passion. A time for proud managers to assess performances, drawing on vast experience to rally the troops and install confidence in their lads. Make no mistake – both teams will be up for the challenge. The question is: who will triumph? And will the kit be clean?!

And the league table couldn’t be closer! Dynamos are sitting pretty in 5th place, although Wheatley are breathing down their necks in 6th position. If there is more anticipated game than this, then we’d like to know about it!

Just one moment of quality. That could be enough. Just one curling free-kick, one flash of brilliance. But here at Wheatley HQ we are expecting more flair, more panache and more flamboyance than Wheels after six pints of Stripe!

But we are not deluded. We are all human, prone to errors. There will be slip-ups. There will be abominable refereeing decisions. There will be the notorious Sparky rants delivered with more zest than a bag of lemon sherbets.

Above all, there will be controversy. But we live in controversial times. Nothing will change that. History does not lie.

So sit back, fasten your seatbelts and enjoy. It’s going to be one hell of a ride!


Written by Lager Varley

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Table - up to and inc 8th March 2009

Team ----------------------- P ---------W ------- L ----- GD ------ Pts
Angel FC ------------------14 --------- 9 ------- 1 -------21 -------- 31
Otley Town --------------- 11 -------- 9 -------- 2 -------47-------- 27
Moortown Merlins -------12 -------- 8 -------- 3 ------16 -------- 25
Milford----------------------- 12--------- 5 ------- 3 ------- 6 --------- 19
Ilkley Dynamo ----------- 13 -------- 6 -------- 6 -------1 --------- 19
The Mighty Wheatley -13 -------- 3 -------- 8 ----- -13 --------- 11
Yeadon Vets -------------10 -------- 3 -------- 6 ------ -13 -------- 10
Otley Wharfeside -------13 ---------3 -------- 9 ----- -26 --------- 10
Horsforth Rangers A -- 12 --------1 --------- 9 ----- -20 --------- 5

Player Profiles

Mark Powell (Player Manager)

The Man known as Sparky has been more successful as Wheatley manager than his football betting predictions recently. Never afraid to voice his opinions (usually in a high-pitched Southern twang), Sparky is a livewire both in the changing room and on the touchline. Referees have often been on the receiving end of Sparky’s “hairdryer treatment”, which just goes to show his enthusiasm and verve for the Wheatley AFC cause. A master tactician, Sparky is the brains behind operation, which is probably the first (and no doubt last) time he will be complimented about his mental capacity! Admiral Nelson, Winston Churchill, Charles Darwin…Sparky. You better believe they are all great men!

Rory Kroon (Keeper / Striker)

“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT…WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO …WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” The man now universally known as Kroon Dog has had a varied season, from playing a starring role up front against Otley Town, to appearing between the sticks donning outsized gloves to protect his exorbitantly large hands. Although unlucky to be hounded by niggling injuries, Kroon Dog can often been seen supporting The Wheatley at their home games, chasing sticks with gay abandon and being followed around by the rest of the Kroon clan with small plastic doggie bags.

Jo Varley (Keeper / Roving Reporter)

Lager has stepped in twice when needed to put his dignity on the line as reserve goalkeeper. Managing with aplomb to make the job look very difficult indeed, his current record stands at conceding one goal every 20 minutes. Mind you, Lager has the “hands on the hips looking despairingly flustered” look down to a tee! In his defence, should Lager be given more than 33 minutes notice before his services are required, he is sure he’ll come good in the end. At the moment, though, he is more Gordon Brittas than Gordon Banks! Lager also does a spot of reporting in his spare time for 'The Yeadon Gazette'!

Richard Lord (Keeper / Part-timer)

As Wheatley's once regular ‘keeper, “old man” Lordy has made more stops than Michael Palin managed during his Pole to Pole adventure. Not averse to a pre-match cigarette, he is as relaxed as a sedated sloth snoozing high in the Amazonian canopies. Assured under a high ball, confident with low shots, Lordy just about has all the characteristics of a complete goalkeeper. Just ask Neville Southall – he came to Lordy to ask for his advice in 1979! Lordy is now somewhat of a recluse and can only be found under Ilkley's biggest thumb (Advice - grow a pair mate!)

Chris Head (Keeper)

When The Wheatley was at their wit’s end after Lordy picked (g)up an injury, up stepped Chris to replace the veteran goalkeeper. Well, what can we say? An astonishingly assured performance in nets brought plaudits from all who witnessed his heroics. A good keeper is a treasured asset to have, and The Wheatley was delighted to have snapped him up when available. On that famous day, Chris stopped more shots that Batfink in his prime!

Andy Hibbert (Defender)

“Nimble”, “animated” and “sprightly” are just some of the words from a whole plethora of adjectives one would use to describe Botty Lad (see below). Only kidding Andy! The robust central defender possesses a kick similar in power to an agitated mule during mating season. Solid in the air and adopting an old-school “no nonsense” approach to defending, Andy’s book entitled “Hibbert’s Guide To Defending – Kick The Bastards In The Air” will be in all good bookshops (and even some poor ones) soon! Additionally, Andy will happily discuss his tactics over a post-match Stella!

Eric Bana (Defender)

He pops up here, he pops up there, The Incredible Hulk is everywhere! The transition from rugby league to Sunday football may be a step too far for most people, but Eric Bana is no ordinary person! A superhero performance in Wheatley’s last game brought young Eric the man-of-the-match accolades from…well, Meg, Rocky and his dog! Never one to shy away from a challenge, Eric is a player whom demands your attention. Watch out, Dynamos! There’s a new power in town!

Johnny Turnbull (Defender)

What have Ron Jeremy and J.T got in common? Big tackles! Oof!With sleeves rolled up and shin-pads firmly secure, J.T has been a very fine servant for The Wheatley this season. He likes nothing better than rolling around in the mud like a sweaty hog on a first date at Old MacDonald’s farm.There has been some speculation recently about which professional team he supports. Is J.T a Leeds fan? A pint for the first person to ask him!

Joe McTigue (Defender)
AKA “Red Stripe”, experienced lager guzzling Tiguey comes from a fine stock of sportsmen. The word on the street is that Red Stripe themselves have approached Tiguey with a lucrative sponsorship deal – quite a credible report considering quaffing Jamaican booze is not yet a sport! His shimmering hips have made one appearance at home this season for Wheatley AFC. More appearances wouldn’t go amiss Tiguey Lad!

Dave Healey (Defender)

Wheatley’s Mr Consistent. Has Davva ever had a bad game? Certainly not in this lifetime, pal! Generally as cool as a polar bear wearing a pair of Aviators, Davva at left back is a reassuring presence for any Wheatley goalkeeper – even Lager! That’s not to say he doesn’t get fired up. Heaven only knows what he’d be like on the pitch if something really wound him up!

Chris Lloyd (Defender)

On the pitch Lloydy is as hungry as a gout-ridden pensioner during Meals on Wheels week. A cheeky chappy, an unshaven Lloydy also bears more than a passing resemblance to a disobedient chimpanzee at his first tea party! Strong in the tackle, the Wheatley defender never gives up the cause and will run and run until the final whistle. So much so that rumour has it Lloydy will be auditioning to replace the Duracell Bunny when it eventually runs out of steam. Watch this space!

Johnny Dinsdale (Defender)
Dinners has been more of a spectator these days, although was rewarded a gold star by coming up with the nickname “Eric Bana” – a name so subtly ingenious even the Gazette haven’t picked up on it yet! He’s getting old, sure, but the advance in years will only bring more experience to The Wheatley. Priceless!

Andy Wheeler (Midfield)

“Use your pace, Wheels!” Roy Castle must have loved stalwart Wheatley playmaker Wheels, as they both know dedication is what you need to succeed! He’s a Wednesday fan – “Owl” we’ll never know! Often seen causing mayhem in the centre of the park (and sometimes on the football pitch), Andy is as committed as they come. Organised, stylish and a dreamy left peg fans call "The Wand", Wheels’ love affair with the Wheatley wagon rolls on and on. Get that man a pint!

Al Hey (Midfield)

Master of Trickery and High Priest of Deception – no, it’s not Paul Daniels, it is Wheatley’s very own Pocket Dynamo, Al Hey! Bamboozling not only the opposition but sometimes his own comrades and even the supporters, Al’s assists must have reached doubles figures this season…well, at least in the high singles! A great lad to have around, Al is undoubtedly one of Wheatley AFC’s star performers and arguably the team’s most famous son, having appeared in the Gazette more times than any other player. And all this time no-one knew his dad was interested in photography!

Chris Quaife (Midfield)

The Enforcer. Sounds scary, doesn’t it? You’d be forgiven for thinking this to be an ITV2 spin-off series, but in fact this tag belongs to Guppy! The bruising midfielder has successfully laid claim to be Wheatley’s hard man, marshalling the troops and implementing terror to reduce both opponents and referees to blubbering babies in the same vein as Norman Hunter. Give him a few years and he’ll have more bookings than Tom Jones at The Flamingo Hotel in 1962! Fully committed and reliable, Guppy has been nothing short of a revelation!

Jonny Keith (Midfield)

Va Va Vvrooom!Motorcycle lover J.K certainly has a big engine, and he has plenty of gas to burn on the pitch to boot! A man for the big occasions, fearless J.K is as prickly a customer as the bristles on his face. He’s like a bulldog on speed, chomping at the bit, snarling, and slobbering with enthusiasm. And you should see him when he’s not in the boozer! Enough praise – just get him a pint.

Adam Emmott (Midfield)

Where has Adam been all this time? Wheatley’s newest recruit has exceeded all expectations by consistently turning up on time! No, seriously, Adam The Lionheart has put in the hard yards and slogged his guts out, but you would expect nothing less from an Ermysted’s lad! Praise must go to Wheels for his efforts in securing Adam. We’d all rather play with him than against him. Solid indeed!

Danny Bott (Midfield)

“Ref-er-reeee!”Make no mistake – young Botty Lad likes to get stuck in, hounding defenders and chasing lost causes like a pack of cheetahs pursuing a wounded gazelle. A talented crosser of the ball, what Botty Lad lacks in brawn (and brain!) he more than makes up for with skill.Regarding referees decisions, he may have more hang-ups than a school cloakroom, but you can’t put a price on youthful exuberance. A great lad to have on board The HMS Wheatley.

Ben Woods (Forward)

Often seen up front with Cocky, Woody regularly ploughs through the mud like an expertly driven Massey Ferguson. Relentless badgering more often not reaps great rewards for striker Woody. The man simply never lets you down! Not too commonly to be found in an Ilkley pub, The Wheatley are hoping Woody will change his habits to reflect on the great work he does for the club.

Paul Dawson (Midfield)
“There’s only one Paul Dawson, there’s only one Paul Dawson. He’s got no hair, we don’t care, walking in a Dawson Wonderland!” The bald, Bantams-besotted buffoon is indeed a loyal ‘un, travelling the lengths and breadths of the country in support of his beloved Bradford City come hell or high water. And all power to him! Making a brief second-half appearance at Apperley Bridge did no harm to Daws’s already impressive football credentials. Likes a pint, apparently.

Nick Cockcroft (Forward)

More versatile than a Bird’s Eye potato waffle, Cocky has appeared for most of the season on Wheatley’s front line, targeting defenders and agitating goalkeepers with shots galore. Don’t be surprised to see him on the wing, though! The Wheatley striker possesses a laid-back, almost nonchalant, aura in front of goal, prompting comparisons with Berbatov. Cocky has a far superior cover drive, though!

Rick Arundel (Forward)

Rocky up front is a sight to behold. His turn of speed has never before been witnessed since two youths in Seacroft inserted a firecracker up a whippet’s jacksee! One-two’s, nutmegs, step-overs…the man is unstoppable! Rocky always puts his body on the line for The Wheatley. Sparky must be very proud of him!

Ben Cater (Forward)
Appearances can be deceptive. Just ask Kroon Dog – he looks half intelligent!
He may come across as having a physique one would normally associate with the Belarus Under-11 Gymnastics Team, but in fact Ben has proved he can play with the big boys and consistently raises eyebrows with his hidden strength and continuous determination. Never seen him in the boozer, though, but no doubt the young whippersnapper will buck his ideas up!

Terry Pearson (Sicknote)
Tez hasn’t been as readily available as The Wheatley would have liked, but that has not stoped him from putting his body on the line when required! Slow-witted but with a dynamic acceleration, we’re certain Tez will up the ante and pull on his boots more often next season. More of an attacking player with an innate footballing ability, a regular-playing Tez would be a very fine addition to any team. Football team, that is. Can you imagine him playing netball?!

Andrew Rhodes (Utility player)
More dishevelled than a Skid Row vagabond, Rhodsey Lad has displayed a remarkable ability to perform in goal with blood alcohol levels that would topple a giraffe. Naturally gifted, Rhodsey is the kind of sportsman that can turn his hand to anything. Verbally aggressive, the young upstart shows no fear in conveying his opinion – usually in a torrent of foul-mouthed outbursts!
Impressive at swinging ape-like on the cross bar, too. Is Rhodsey Olympics-bound in the near future? Only he knows. Only he knows.

Written by Lager Varley

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Match Report - Milford away (Sunday 28th Feb 2009)

Milford 2 - 0 The Mighty Wheatley

After a good run of form recently, Wheatley travelled to Milford brimming with confidence. For long periods Wheatley dominated and had much of the possession. Why the away team did not score mystified even the home support.

Milford started brightly enough on soft home soil. An early looping shot was no cause of concern for the Wheatley back four but on ten minutes a fierce shot drilled into the top corner gave Wheatley stand-in keeper Jo Varley no chance. Worse was to follow when Milford doubled their advantage after a mix-up in the Wheatley defence. Despite two strikers interfering in an off-side position, play was waved on to the annoyance of the away team. Milford were 2-0 up in the first fifteen minutes leaving Wheatley fuming.

Manager Powell was not here to see Wheatley’s response, although he would have been justifiably proud of his side’s efforts. Strikers Cockcroft and Woods both went close after good work down the left flank from Al Hey. Midfield duo Andy Wheeler and Eric Bana worked hard to rally the troops. In fact man-of-the-match Bana was everywhere on the pitch except in goal, a position no doubt he would have excelled in such was his fervour today.
It is fair to say Milford would have been delighted with a 2-0 lead at half time. Adopting the policy of “no goals without shots” clearly worked, as Wheatley were perhaps guilty of not shooting more often.

That said, the Wheatley heads were still up and raring to go for the second half. Dependable defenders Johnny Turnbull and Andy Hibbert bossed their areas and it is to their credit that keeper Varley had only to make one save in the second half.

Wheatley deserved more. A hot-headed Turnbull chased and hounded throughout but his over-commitment spilled over into a clash with the Milford number 10. The ref was on the spot, though, and immediately quelled any nastiness. This incident proved to be the impetus for the remainder of the game. Wheatley needed to score quickly now, and the combination of Hibbert’s piledriver of a right foot combined with Danny Bott’s searching passes meant the Milford goal was getting a peppering. This was all about pressure, but still Wheatley couldn’t find the back of the net.
When a blatant penalty was waved away in the 70th minute, Wheatley knew it wasn’t going to be their day. Dedication and effort they had in barrowfuls, but all they needed was one goal to make the last five minutes even more exciting.

Disappointment, then, for a brave Wheatley side. Should they dust their shooting boots off for the next match against local rivals Ilkley Dynamos, it promises to be a cracker.

Match Report by Lager